I have just seen the worst film ever made.
The previous winner of this accolade was Bats, the least frightening horror movie of the nineties. But whilst Bats is appallingly bad, it is undeniably (unintentionally) funny. And not wildly offensive. Unlike Bad Boys 2.
So, get this. While I’ve been away there has been somewhat of a sea change in Hollywood. Those big budget action flicks of the eighties were criticized widely for glorifying killing by turning it into an action packed extravaganza where people fell to the ground without a drop spilled, in a clean unrealistic death. But looking back now, these films are just funny. Who could take seriously Arnie blasting his way through a courtyard, hundreds of spotless ‘bodies’ flying everywhere, while not a single bullet touched him. Maybe the nineties version, where the victim got a hole in the head or a red patch in the chest was more insidious.
Well, whatever the argument, in this film they have spared no expense in making the death as realistic as possible. Heads blown off, smashed, cars exploding with people inside, all shockingly done. Rarely does the camera turn away. Yet the film is still somehow presented as a lighthearted buddy cop movie. Our ‘heroes’ commit worse acts of butchery than any serial killer, massacring civilians at every step, destroying their houses just because they happen to be Cuban, then make some feeble joke and laugh about the whole thing. All I can think is that Jerry Bruckenheimer didn’t realise quite how horrific all the death in the film was. Then there’s the level of bad taste. And the general offensive prejudice displayed at every stage. But, for all that, it could still be just a grossly insensitive piece of Hollywood shit if it wasn’t for the thing they are fighting for.
Yes, the biggest bad guy they could dredge up to justify all this was just a fucking ecstasy dealer. So when the heroes get back to the office:
“Boys, you just caused $200 Billion in damage, killed 150 people in a plainly sadistic manner, started a war with Cuba and damaged the reputation of the US so badly we’ve been kicked out of the UN, but hey, some kids won’t be getting mashed out of their tits this weekend, so it’s all been worth it.”

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5 Responses to

  1. Anonymous says:

    Heard it was utter cock.
    Bruckheimer: burn him. Face first.
    Reading another Murakami book at the mo: ‘Hard-boiled Wonderland…’. Read it? Will be bringing some literature with me along with a whole shitload of new tunes and yes curry paste.
    What’s this rubbish about leaving?
    Russ
    like the new look

  2. hi
    i got here throught searching for the band The Fall, listed in your intrests…
    this’ll sound compleatly stupid….pleeeeeeeeeeeese can you tell me all there is to know about the fall, random, music, members, anthing. if you’ve got time…..i’m sorry, this is an emergency and i am v. desperate…(as you can see…!)
    thank you
    i’d be SO grateful
    i am not a looney
    thank you again
    kate xxxxxx

  3. Anonymous says:

    hot dogs are good
    I like hotdogs. They make me feel good. I like cheese it comes from a cow. I like cows. They make cheese. Some times at night I think about spoons. In china they do not have spoons.

    • Anonymous says:

      bob is that you?
      maybe its not but china and randomness could be you? they don’t use knives in singapore.the hostel owner had to cut up a whole chicken with a pair of scissors.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Bad Boyez II
    -It sucked giant monkey cock. Martin Lawrence should be killed. Slowly.

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